I have been hesitant to share my story of dealing with infertility but there were countless times as I was going through all the struggles that I would read other people's stories online and yes they would make me cry but it was wonderful to know that I wasn't alone and that other people had the exact same feelings and experiences that I did and that is why I share my story. I want other people to always have hope and I want to remember what I have gone through that has made me the person that I am today.
I read this quote a few months back and wanted to start this blog post with it:
"I am the stifled tears at yet another negative
test. I am the deafening silence in the doctors office when you get more bad
news. I am the vibrant green jealousy of yet another pregnancy announcement. I
am the breakdown when you find yourself alone with your thoughts. I am pain
and a shattered heart. I am the mourning of something that never happened, may
never happen. I am fear and anger. I am the horrible fist shaking at the
heavens when I’ve just about had enough. I am the most pessimistic optimist
you’ll ever meet. I am strength. I am grace. I am a warrior. And I am not alone because I’m part of an army. Bruised, beat down, swollen eyes with hearts that
hang on the precipice, white knuckled and weighed down; fall apart and give up
or fight and keep going. 7.3 million women in the U.S.
A lot people share their stories as they are dealing with infertility and going through invitro-fertilization but I wasn't quite that brave. I have the most incredible outcome after going through it all but going through it was still extremely hard and here are the struggles, thoughts, and experiences that I went through to get to this point.
My Infertility Story
-Written June of 2016-
Ever since I was a little girl I always wanted to be a mom.
Yes I wanted to get my bachelors degree because education is very important to
me but I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom if possible. When Nate and
I first got married (in 2009) we never really talked about when to have kids
but we were just married and we thought we would know when the time was right.
About a month after we were married I practically passed out in my Chemistry
class and had to get lots of fluids put in me. When I first went into the
doctor they asked if I could be pregnant. I was on birth control at the time
and thought no but Nate and I talked about how if that were the case we would be
fine with it and were even excited about the possibility. But I wasn’t pregnant
and then a year passed and the desire to have children overcame me. I wanted so
badly to be a mom but it just wasn’t happening. There were lots of tears,
prayers, and priesthood blessings and it felt like everyone around me was having
babies. I loved being an aunt but I really wanted one to call my own. I went to
see a doctor and was prescribed my miracle drug- Clomid- a fertility medication
to aid in ovulation. Within two months of being on Clomid I found out I was
pregnant. I loved every minute of being pregnant. Yes I had morning sickness
and had those moments of being uncomfortable but all these meant I had a baby
inside of me and that I was going to be a mom after all that waiting. The
cutest and most adorable little girl was born March of 2012 and I loved every
minute of it.
I loved seeing all the milestones. Paige gives me so much joy and
happiness that I didn’t even know existed. She still does and I cherish that
she fills some of the void in my life. I always wanted lots of kids and wanted
my kids close together but that wasn’t God’s plan for me. I had many health
issues after having Paige. Two weeks after I had Paige I had an infection of my
colon that put me in the hospital for almost a week. It was hard and I realize
that without modern medicine I probably wouldn’t be here today. I got my health
back and life went on and down the road I wanted Paige to be a sister. We
started trying for baby number two a little after Paige turned one. I got on
Clomid sooner since I knew I would need it in order to get pregnant.
Months
went by and every time I had a period I would cry and be devastated. It meant
another month went by without getting pregnant. We went through this for years.
It got harder and harder as time went by. Again I had the feeling that everyone
around me was getting pregnant. All but one of my sisters and sister-in-laws
had a baby and all my friends just got pregnant like that and were adding to
their families in a way that I wanted to. I didn’t know what was wrong with me
and it was extremely hard to deal with. My faith waivered but I never gave up
hope. Hope is really what kept me going. Nate and Paige are my rocks and keep
me going. Without them I don’t know where I would be. Paige is such a happy
little girl and is already at a young age so sensitive to my needs. Whenever
she sees me crying she goes and gets me a tissue and gives me a hug. She has so
much faith. She asks constantly when she is going to have a brother and a
sister and prays every night for mommy to have a baby in her tummy. She will be
one amazing sister and helper to me when the time comes. Nate always knows that
right things to say to me and has given me countless priesthood blessings. I
know it is hard on him but he is always strong for me. I will be eternally
grateful for him and that God put him in my life.
In July of 2015 I had a
surgery where my doctor took a look inside of me to see what was going on. I
found out that my infection and the way my body healed from the infection that
it caused tissue to connect from my colon onto my fallopian tubes which blocked
both my tubes making me unable to get pregnant. My doctor was able to remove a
lot of the tissue and open up one of my tubes. That was sad that I was down to
one tube decreasing my chances but I had to look at the positive and see that I
was know able to conceive though it might take longer. I was back on Clomid for
the next month and I got pregnant the end of August but never knew it. My cycle
came normally in September and I was ready to start another month on Clomid. My
period ended and I took Clomid and then on the last Sunday in September I was
teaching my primary class and I got intense pain on my left side right where my
ovaries are. I went home and relaxed and the pain went away for a bit so I
thought it was just something off. But then the next day the pain came back and
I started bleeding which then I knew it was something to do with my
reproductive system. I went to an urgent care and they asked if I could be
pregnant but I told them no since I had just finished my normal cycle a few
days before. I found out though that I was pregnant but the egg had implanted
in my tube which meant I was going to lose the baby and was in the process
since I was bleeding. I was only four or five weeks along and we had to hope
that the baby would pass though without doing damage to my one good tube. I
cried a lot and it was very difficult thing to go through. I had morning
sickness which was hard since I knew that I had to go through it but didn’t get
the end result of holding a baby in my arms. The next week was extremely hard.
I was sick and felt so horrible. Every other day I had to get my blood drawn at
the doctor to see if my pregnancy hormone was going down. I also had to go to
the hospital to get a cancer injection to get the “foreign object” out of my
system without hurting my body and my one good tube. My arms were bruised and
sore from all the poking but I got through it. The quote that got me through it
and months to come is by Jeffery R. Holland. – “Don’t you quit. You keep
walking, you keep trying, there is help and happiness ahead. Some blessing come
soon. Some come late. Some don’t come until heaven. But for those who embrace
the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be alright in the end. Trust God
and believe in good things to come.” I couldn’t give up. I had to keep going
and I had to keep doing the little things to keep my testimony that God really
cared and was listening to my pleas. I couldn’t give up hope. I had to believe that
if I kept living righteously that blessing could come on the Lord’s time. But each
month was very hard. It went by and my thoughts would turn to that in months I
would be showing a baby bump or I would have found out what I was having and
even now I think I could be holding a baby in my arms and Paige would be a
sister. I was very emotional and very depressed. I had a type of post partum
depression and felt very down and sad all the time. It was very difficult and
it was during the winter months which made it more difficult. Still as months
go on it is so hard still as each month passes and no pregnancy. I have to keep
hope and still believe that one day that blessing will come to me.
Each month
is full of lots of emotions. There are days before my period begins that I am filled
with anxious hope. I read into every signal my body is giving me. I think that
something my body is going through is a sign my period is coming but it could
also be a sign that I am pregnant. So which is it? Each day that draws closer
to being considered “late” fills me with a hope that maybe this could be the
month but also trying not to get my hopes up too much because that leads to
greater disappointment when my period finally does come. Then once my period
starts I am filled with despair and disappointment. Another month gone, another
month wasted, another month of not being pregnant. I have hormones because of
my period and then on top of that I don’t feel good and I am not pregnant. Give
me a couple of days and I will try to see the positive and hope that the next month
will work out and hope that maybe the next time will be the one where I get a
baby in the right place.
It is hard to go through this fertility
struggle when no one else in my family has experienced it. You can feel
sympathy but you will never understand what it is like until you go through it.
Yes I am happy when I find out that a family member or friend is pregnant but I
will cry wishing it was me. It is always very hard when I hear people complain
about their pregnancies. I have gone through pregnancy and know it is hard but
you have no idea how much I wish I had the morning sickness and being
uncomfortable because of fatigue and a large belly because that would mean soon
I could hold my baby in my arms. It is hard to see those young 16 year olds get
pregnant so easily or seeing someone who is on drugs or other not so good
family situations get pregnant just like that when there are so many women in
the world who would be incredible moms to be denied that blessing for now. I
have to keep hope that one day my desire will come true. Each month I hope I am
pregnant but know that if I do get pregnant there is a high chance of it being
in my tube again but I can’t let that thought debilitate me. This is a trial I
have to go through and I hope one day I will see God’s plan in all of it.
-Written September 27, 2016-
One year ago it all went down. Going through the ectopic
pregnancy was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. I would like
to say that the trial has made be a better person but in some ways I think it
has made me a bitter person and I don’t like that. I hate that I get jealous
and I can’t get past the pity party that I feel each month when my period does
come. I hate that I feel like it is my fault that we aren’t having more
children. I hate that church is so hard for me because that is where so many
children are and I see so many pregnant ladies that are getting the chance to
have more children when I am not. I know that in this life we are on God’s time
and not ours but that is extremely difficult to understand when you are dealing
with infertility. I know that there are so many more people that have had to
wait so much longer than I have for the chance to have a family. I am extremely
grateful that I have Paige in my life but it is still very hard when I have had
a dream of having lots of babies running around since that time I was a young
girl. I know I have to trust God but I have a hard time saying thy will be done
because I feel like that means I give up and I never want to give up. I want to
try everything I can to have more children.
(Next post: Going through IVF)
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