It has been a LONG road get to our miracle and we are extremely grateful for this little one that is growing inside of me. This is a lot of journal entries and some is repetition because each round has its similarities but each has also been different and unique. As I look back it still brings tears and the emotions well to the surface as I read what I have gone through. In my mind, there were two things going on in my life during this time: I had infertility and appointments and heartache and then I had life. I tried to keep them separate but as I look back at pictures from that time I can tell you that during those times or during a family trip or a reunion, I was dealing with shots, doctor appointments, waiting for phone calls or results, or going through heartache while still trying to live life and move on and hope that one day all of this would be worth it. I still can't believe that we are adding another little girl to our family and I still feel a little like I'm holding my breath until I get to hold this little one in my arms.
2020- Third round of IVF (at this point of my 7 embryos that I got from IVF Round 1, I have 3 embryos left)- As I have started this FET round, I am more nervous than I was the round that worked with Baylor. I am not sure why but I am guessing it is just anxiety since I know the whole process now and I know what I am getting myself into. It makes me nervous and having hope that it will work because it has worked in the past but also not wanting to be too hopeful because the higher the hope I have the bigger the fall if it doesn’t work.
January 30- Today I started the progesterone suppositories and shots. I knew in my head that I could do the shots but I was filled with nerves and just not wanting to do them but knowing I had to do them. We said a family prayer right before I did my first shot and I broke down crying. I was scared and I was frustrated that I even had to do this. If I could just get pregnant the normal way then I wouldn’t have to be spending all this money, having all these appointments and blood draws, I wouldn’t have to do a vaginal suppository twice a day and I wouldn’t have to be giving myself a the dreadful shot every night for 13 weeks if I could just be normal and have a normal body. Nate helped me by just wrapping his arms around me and holding me as I cried. He said that without this and modern technology we wouldn’t have Baylor or anymore chances. I gathered myself together and did it. The shot doesn’t hurt horribly but since it is progesterone in oil it goes into your body very, very slowly. I wish I could just stick it inside of me and then hurry and push the medication into my body but it doesn’t work that way and I had forgotten how slowly you really had to go in order for all the medication to get through. After I was done I laid on the bed filled with relief that the first one was over and a little bit more confidence in myself but still not overly happy about having to do this for as long as I have to. This time I also think I hit a nerve with the needle which I don’t remember ever doing the entire time last time. All the way down my right leg it felt like my leg was going numb. I was slightly freaking out and in my head fearing I had done some permanent damage but I had to think logically in the fact that the doctors probably wouldn’t let me give myself shots for this long if they knew I would do some serious damage. (This just shows the craziness that happens in your head when you are going through all of this stuff.)It took me awhile to go to sleep with this feeling but the next day it was back to normal so it wasn’t too worrisome.
February 4- Today was the big day- Baby day. The FET (frozen embryo transfer) was scheduled for 2 pm. I do remember the painfully full bladder from last time and it was the same this time. It was not comfortable and I felt like I had to cross my legs the entire time I was waiting and having this fear that when they are putting all the tools in place down there that I may just accidently pee a little. I have had many speculums put in down there numerous times with going through all of this and just being a girl in general but for some reason and maybe it was like this last time and I don’t remember, it was pretty uncomfortable and slightly painful pretty much the entire time. Sometimes once they get it set it doesn’t hurt that much but the entire time I felt very uncomfortable and kept curling my toes and very focused breathing as the whole process went down. It is a very quick process. My favorite part was seeing this little embryo on the screen that was moving around. This little 5 day old baby was moving and getting ready to be put inside of me. It is amazing as I watch this little tube suck up the baby and I can see the little embryo moving up the tube to the right spot. Then it is carefully handed to the doctor and quickly put inside of me and measured once and then a second time to be sure it is in the right range of where they want to put it. Then it seemed like forever as the embryologist made sure that the embryo actually left the tube and wasn’t stuck inside. Once the doctor was done and I was just sitting there with Nate waiting for 10 minutes because I am superstitious and that is what I did last time and I got pregnant. It was mostly quiet while we listened to the music and I watched the seconds tick by. The head was filled with so many thoughts and hope that this would work out and wanting it so bad but not trying again to be too hopeful because truly this process requires a little bit of a miracle and God’s hand to make sure it works out. I laid down pretty much the entire evening and my stomach was pretty upset and I didn’t feel the greatest. I felt like I had to go to the bathroom a lot but here is the crazy talk inside my head again where I feel that every time I would stand up that gravity might start working and the baby would fall out. I know that this is impossible and not the case but it is still a thought that goes inside my head and will probably be something I think about and consider every day for the next 10 days until I know my results.
February 5- The official start of the very long week and a half until I find out if this worked out. I remember it not being that bad last time but today was horrible. I looked on my blog to see if I posted anything about this long 10 day wait and all I wrote was that it was long and an emotional roller coaster but that doesn’t really help me that much now. So I am writing about every day of this long wait and hopefully it will help me not feel so crazy the next time I have to go through this process. Today like I said was horrible and not fun in any way and I couldn’t wait for the day to be over. I had horrible cramping pretty much the entire day. And this cramping was way worse than any menstrual cycle cramps that I have had and I have had some good cramping over the years. It was painful in the front and my lower back hurt so bad. I had very mild spotting which freaked me out a lot. I don’t remember spotting at all the last time and it brings back the horrible feeling of the failed first cycle when I started bleeding and knew in my gut that it didn’t work. This spotting was very light compared to that but it stilled brought me back to that place. I was either on the couch, the recliner, or in bed the entire day besides to get up to go to the bathroom and I sat at the table to eat dinner with my family. Nate took the day off of work which I was grateful for. He had to take Paige to and from school, take Baylor to a doctor’s appointment, and then Paige had activity days in the evening. I am grateful that I could just lay and not really have to worry about anything. Throughout the day I cried and Nate would ask me what I felt my success percentage was and today was a pretty low number. I felt horrible and by the end of the day I told him I don’t know if I can do this if it is this bad for the next 10 days. I also had a horrible headache by the end of the day and finally took some Tylenol before I went to bed when I probably should have taken some earlier in the day and it would have helped with my cramping. I cried as I poured my heart out in prayer that night asking for strength and for the process to work and also gratitude for Nate in my life and how caring and understanding he is to me especially in this process. Nate has been an incredible rock to me during each round of IVF besides when there are needles involved. J
February 6- Today was a whole lot better than yesterday. The cramping pretty much stopped and I just mostly felt weak and tired. Nate was able to go to work and I was able to get through the things I needed to for the day. I felt good enough to do some minimal cleaning and making dinner. By the end of the day when the kids went to bed, I went to bed since I was tired. Throughout the day I had much more hope even though it was filled with lots of resting and taking breaks from what I was doing often through the day. I had another headache today but it wasn’t nearly as bad and sleep just helped it most. This might be too much information but pretty much everything about IVF and infertility is too much information. Now that I have this little embryo in me I feel like the progesterone suppositories are important and whenever I have spotting I feel like maybe the suppository will make it stop and prevent this baby from miscarrying. The suppository is another thing that I know is helpful but not fun. Putting it in isn’t too bad and is most uncomfortable when it first goes in but once you get past the bladder it doesn’t hurt at all. I feel like I have to get it inside of me as far as I can and lay for at least an hour before getting up in case gravity causes all the medication to fall out. I always have to wear a panty liner and there are some days where I feel like a lot of it does fall out throughout the day and I am worried that I did something wrong or that might affect how much of it is in my body and doing its job. I already feel like I have to pee all the time but the suppository makes it that much worse. When I am going to bed it is hard to go to sleep because I am focusing so much it and I hate the feeling like I have to pee and keep my legs as close together as possible.
February 7- Today was an okay day with where I am feeling with the whole process. I haven’t had any cramping but a little bit of spotting the last half of the day but it was less than on Wednesday. It still freaks me out a little bit every time I see some blood no matter how minimal it is when going through this process. I know that the spotting can be a good thing like that the egg is implanting but there are so many other things it could be also which is why my mind races and goes to all sorts of places when it happens. I had lots of moments of sharper pains where my uterus is. Any pain like this frightens me and so whenever I feel it I immediately sit down or lay down until it goes away. This pain reminds me of the pain I had with my ectopic pregnancy just in a slightly different place which is why it freaks me out so much. So there were some tears today and some fear but still some hope. I had frequent urination today and since I had some spotting every time I go to the bathroom I immediately look to see if more blood is in the toilet and if it is heavier. I feel relieved when there is no blood at all but I am on constant alert seeing whether there is any blood because it feels very much like it does right before my period starts.
February 8- Today was a rough day for me emotionally. I felt down pretty much the entire day and I had more very light spotting. I don’t like that I have had spotting of some kind almost every day. It really gets in my head and makes me anxious and just waiting for the flow to come and for the heavy flow that means it didn’t work. I felt like I had to pee all day and have felt some pain on one side like my ectopic pregnancy pain just not as severe. I want to snap out of it and just feel like myself but just with the frequent urination and tonight there were smells that were bothering me. I felt irritated this morning and then tired for the rest of the day. It just reminds me so much of what it is like right before my period starts when I think oh maybe those are signs of pregnancy but soon my period starts and you realize another month is wasted and gone and more time has passed that I am not pregnant and that there is something wrong with my body. I just want to be normal. I don’t want to have to do these hard things. I want to be happy and feel like myself again and be able to get pregnant like everyone else does. I want to enjoy the laughter of my girls and their silly antics and not feel down and force a smile on my face. I really want this time to go faster to the blood draw so I don’t have to feel so crazy and have answers and surety either way.
February 9- I have felt pretty good pretty much the entire day today besides frequent urination. I was feeling more myself then this evening it felt very much like my period was coming. Just heaviness and bloated feeling in my abdominal and some spotting that have been more than it has been this entire time and a little more red to it. I am pretty much over it right now and figure that my chances of this round working are not very high.
February 10- Today was actually a pretty good day. I think the weather added to that in the fact that it was sunny and we were able to spend some time outside. I felt pretty good today but still had a slight heaviness in my abdomen. I didn’t have any spotting today at all which helped with my hopes a little bit compared to yesterday.
February 11- Today was not the greatest day. I felt pretty much like I do the day or so before my period starts. Just uncomfortable feeling in my abdomen, felt irritated and short today with the kids, and I felt really cold this morning. All of these things happen right before my period starts so every time I went to the bathroom I was checking and I felt almost paranoid about it. Then in the afternoon a large amount of blood- kind of like on Sunday, came out and I was pretty sure my period had just started. I went on a downward spiral after that. I was very emotional about spending all the money and it not working, what I was going to do next and what if it doesn’t work with the next 2 embryos that we have frozen, why can’t I have a normal body, why can’t I just be happy with the 2 that I have and not want anymore. I was all over the place and it didn’t help that I didn’t feel good on top of that. By the time the evening came around I realized it was just that one time moment and hasn’t gotten worse so who knows that it really means and what it really is. My hopes are not the highest though with the round working.
February 12- Today I didn’t have any spotting and felt pretty good most of the day. I can’t believe that tomorrow is the blood draw to finally have answers. I still have some hope but am hesitant.
February 13- I had some more spotting early this morning which wasn’t a great way to start the day of the blood draw. I was very nervous and my stomach was in knots. I got the blood draw a little after 9 and got the call while waiting in the car to pick up Paige from school. It wasn’t good news and my results were negative. I cried some in the car but knew I had to pull it together before going out in public to pick up Paige from school. That was hard! I had to act like everything was normal and fine when inside I was hurting and at any moment could start crying. Paige was going to a friend’s house after school so I had to hold it together even longer and Paige even asked if I knew the results yet but I couldn’t tell her because I knew it would make me cry and I held it together until after I dropped her off and was on my way home and then just let it out. I cried so much today and it hurts really bad. It hurts knowing that it is my fault and that we just wasted $4,000 on a hope that didn’t work out. That is one of the hardest things about IVF is that you spend all this money on hope and sometimes it doesn’t work and you feel like a complete failure. I cried off and on throughout the day. I cried when Nate got home from work and he even brought me home a flower and I could see the love in his eyes for me and how much he wanted it to work too and how much he wants to take the pain away. I cried when I called my parents to tell them the news. They had no idea that I was even doing this round and I was excited to surprise them when they came here for Paige’s baptism during spring break that I would be pregnant. It was hard to tell them and I am sure it shocked them and I could tell they didn’t really know what to say but I felt like I should tell them that I was hurting. It was nice to tell someone else and to just have them listen to me and also just talk about it and other things in general. I cried when I got an email from the SRM nurse wishing that she didn’t have to be the bearer of the bad news today and how she wished it would have worked for me and gave me lots of resources and even offered a free session of counseling if needed. At the end of the day Nate and I talked about it more and this round was hard on both of us since we knew it had worked in the past and why didn’t it work this time. I hate that from the beginning I had this gut feeling that it wasn’t going to work and I so wished that the gut feeling would have been wrong. We have hope for the future and hope for the 2 frozen embryos that we have left. We are extremely grateful for the 2 girls that we have and love them fiercely and appreciate them all the more because of what we have gone through. Today was a hard day and there are days like today where I wish I didn’t have to be strong and didn’t have this trial in life but I know I can get through this and I know there are blessings around the corner. (When I think about what was happening during life at this time, I am so grateful that Valentine's Day was the day after I found out the round failed. It was filled with happiness and joy and excitement for the holiday from two cute girls. After the loss, it made me SO grateful for the two girls that I already do have.)
August 16- Today we officially start our next round of IVF. My period started 3 days ago and I’m having my suppression check ultrasound. On the way I started to cry and told Nate I have infertility PTSD. I really don’t know if that is a thing but there is so much fear going into this round knowing that it is the last 2 embryos and from the beginning after we got our 7 embryos I had the thought that I didn’t know what I was going to do with the leftover embryos when we got to that point but now it is a different story and I feel the pressure of wanting so badly for these 2 to work so that we can be done with IVF and done with spending money on my infertility. Since we are still in corona virus times Nate stayed in the car and I went in by myself with a mask. The ultrasound was quick and everything looks good. After the appointment I felt a little bit more hope and I am ready for what this next round brings and am really hoping for good news and that this is the round that works! I also start Estrace today and will be taking it 3 times a day for the next 2 weeks and then add progesterone onto that once we get to that point. Today I’m guessing because of the medication I had a bad migraine and felt nauseous. Hopefully my body gets used to it and I don’t feel nauseous for too long. (We were at Port Gamble previous to this and waiting for phone calls and trying to get appointments scheduled. I remember the reception on my phone not being the greatest and missing phone calls and playing phone tag with the nurse which was a bit stressful.)
August 29- Today I had another ultrasound and blood draw to make sure that everything looks good and that the lining of my uterus is just right for the FET transfer on September 4th. It went well and was quick and I asked for them to draw 2 circles on my bum so that I had a target for my shots that I will start tomorrow if everything look good. I got the call later in the afternoon and we are good to go!
August 30 & 31- I had my first shot today. It wasn’t nearly as bad as my first shot during my last round. I was nervous but I felt much calmer and not as emotional. It went well and was quick and easy though it always pinches a little. I wanted to do my first shot by myself since the first one is always the hardest for me. I have to get over that first mental hoop. The next day, Paige and Baylor, watched me do my shot. Paige loves setting everything up for me and Baylor was fascinated by it. She would say “ow, ow” and “does it hurt?” Then later that evening it was so cute and funny because Baylor has a pretend doctor kit and took her pretend shot and pulled down her pants a little and gave herself a shot in her bum. It was so sweet and cute!
September 4- Today was the big day! Transfer day! My appointment was at 1:15 and since Paige started school the day before and it is all online, I had to make sure that we got to Anna’s house during her lunch break so we had time to set her all up before leaving. Everything went well though Paige was a little stressed about everything working with school. Nate was not allowed in with me which was weird and a little lonely. I sent him pictures throughout and recorded when they did the transfer to show him later. I got all set up and they check my bladder and it was full and then everything happened so quickly this time. The doctor and embryologist came in at the same time and did the double checks, showed me the 2 sweetest little embryos, and got started. The speculum was way less painful/uncomfortable this time around compared to last which was awesome. I love watching the 2 little embryos on the screen and see them being sucked up in the tube. Then I got to watch as they put them in and my comment of the day for this round was that I have a long cervix so it took her a little longer to get it where she wanted. Everything went well and now rest and really hoping both of them stick and we are praying so hard for twins!
September 13- The day before the blood draw I had some major stomach pain and had that familiar feeling that my period was coming. I didn’t have any spotting and was taking lots of medications and hormones so the way I was feeling could be anything and so I was still filled with such hope that this round was successful. I had the blood draw on a Sunday and I was so nervous. My stomach was in knots but I was so hopeful. The nurse called later that afternoon and the news wasn’t the worst or the best. They like to see the HCG level to be above 50 and mine was at 33.5. They told me to be cautiously optimistic. Oh how I hate that phrase! They told me that exact thing after my first round that didn’t work and it brought back all those memories, feelings, and fears. I rationalized in my head that this blood draw was a on day 9 instead of day 10 so maybe it just needed a little more time and that is why it was lower and maybe the embryos took a little bit longer to implant. Pretty much anything that would help me still feel hope and that we hadn’t wasted thousands of dollars on a hope.
September 15- I was still hopeful but more fearful when I had another blood draw on Tuesday to see what my levels were and unfortunately, they went down which means I had a biochemical pregnancy. This is what happened my first round where the embryos implanted at some point but didn’t stick. It’s not far enough along to be considered a miscarriage so they call it a biochemical pregnancy. I was told to stop taking the medications and that night was hard. When you are taking all the medications it makes you feel like you are helping your body keep this little baby growing inside of you and when you stop it is just another reminder that my body failed me yet again. I cried and cried before I went to bed that night. Why do I have to go through this? Why can’t my body be “normal”? We’ve pled and prayed for this for so long. Why can’t we get a yes for once and have this miracle happen in our lives?
December 9- The end of September I had a zoom doctor’s appointment with Dr. Barker. We talked about how every looked perfect and my numbers were great for all the failed rounds of FET cycles. This is frustrating to hear and hard to hear. I know that I wish I could pinpoint something I could do differently to make it work next time. The only thing Dr. Barker mentioned was maybe doing genetic testing next time. That way you can see if there are any genetic problems with the frozen embryos before putting them in. This is not a guarantee and it could say there is something wrong and it could not. It is just more testing and also $5,000 more dollars on top of everything. Nate and I talked about it and we are not going to do genetic testing though we are moving forward and doing a completely new round of IVF. Dr. Barker suggested doing a freeze all and that way we can possibly amp up the medication part a little and it is not as hard on my body by doing a fresh cycle right after. So we are going to do that and moving forward. I had to wait for my period and then the SRM office was closed the end of November so I was on birth control for a little longer this time before starting everything. Starting the birth control was hard on me this time around. It gave me headaches and I was nauseous and dizzy and it made me feel depressed. I had about of week of that before my body got used to it. Today was the day that I receive my medication for this upcoming new round of IVF. In my mind I remember the medication being about $500 last time so when I looked at the receipt and saw that it was $2,500 it was a little shocking and made me emotional. It is very hard knowing that I am the cause of all this money spending and that most people don’t have to spend any money to make a baby. The guilt is hard and it is hard knowing what I have to do. Last time I didn’t know what to expect and it was all new but this time around I remember what certain medications feel like, I remember being in so much pain right before the egg retrieval, and I remember throwing up after the retrieval. I know what I am getting into this time around which makes it harder and makes me more emotional about it.
December 23- I had my first ultrasound today to check on the follicle growth. My shots last night were really hard again and I had a super bad migraine. I’m glad that I felt better this morning. The ultrasound tech made it sound like I was moving a little bit slow and when she measured the biggest follicle on both sides; they were both at about 8 mm. I got the call this afternoon and everything seems to be moving as it should. I will start the third medications of Cetrotide which prevents my body from ovulating on Christmas day and have another ultrasound and blood draw the next day.
For my shots this time I would often use a heating pad afterwards to help with the pain and some of the time we had some chocolate cake which was a wonderful treat for myself after doing shots.
Nate put a Christmas bow on the Cetrotide since I started it on Christmas day. It added a little stress that all of these shots and appointments were during the Christmas season.
December 29- The trigger shot was a little different this time compared to last. The one they gave me was another one in the stomach verse last time the trigger shot was in the bum. I was worried that I had the wrong medication or something but watched the videos and read the labels again and again just to make sure. I got everything drawn up around 7:20 and waited and Paige even sat next to me and watched my phone clock with me so that as soon as the clock struck 7:30 I injected the Lupron into me. It didn’t hurt at all and everything went great and now hopefully I did it right and I have a positive ovulation test in the morning. (By the way it was positive and everything worked out great.)
January 1, 2021- Today I feel sore and really bloated. My stomach is sticking out way more than normal but I know that will go away. I also had another pretty bad headache. I stuck with taking some Ibuprofen today and still took it pretty easy. I got the call early in the morning when I first woke up with my report of how everything was going. It was really nice to not have to wait around for that call. Of the 31 eggs that were retrieved, 26 of them were matured enough to try and fertilize and 17 of them fertilized. Now we wait to see how many make it to the right embryo stage and are able to freeze. (Mike and Christy and their family came to visit for the holidays and I felt bad that I was so miserable. They were great at giving me space and very supportive.)
January 6- I’m feeling much more myself but for some reason felt nervous for my phone call. I wanted good news but also I just felt sick to my stomach and was just anxious for everything to be alright and work out. I got the call early afternoon and 5 embryos made it blastocyst stage to freeze. I was confused when they called since I asked about the grading of them and remember them telling me this information at this point last time but they said I had to wait 7-10 days for some genetic things. I was confused since we agreed not to do genetic testing and so I emailed my nurse. I’m glad I did to clear up any confusion and I found out that 2 were graded “good” and 3 were graded “fair”. So that is good news and I am planning on moving forward as soon as we can.
February 8-9- My period finally started today (the 8th).
It seemed to take forever since I am just ready to move forward with my next
round of FET. It was late like normal and I could tell it was coming but it
just seemed to take a long time to finally start. It didn’t start until later
in the evening so I wasn’t sure if I should count it as day 1 or not. I email
the nurse. I got a response in the morning (the 9th) and she said to
count it as day one and that today was day 2 and if I could get scheduled for
my suppression check ultrasound today to hopefully keep things on track with
the scheduled 26th of February FET date. I hurried and called and
was able to get in a couple hours later. It was a normal ultrasound and
everything was suppressed like it should be. I got a call later in the
afternoon with my blood work results and giving me the okay to start the
Estrace. I will continue to take this tiny blue pill three times a day until I
am 10 weeks pregnant. (the first week of it was a little rough with lots of
headache and feeling a little less patient than normal.)
February 20- I had my next ultrasound and blood draw
today. Since it was on a Saturday, we had to go up to
February 21-22- I started my progesterone today (the 21st). I started with the suppository in the morning and will continue that morning and night until I am 13 weeks pregnant. I then did my first shot in the evening. It was a little nerve but not too bad. The next day (the 22) was actually harder than the first day with my shot. For some reason doing my left side is always harder since I am not left handed and it is harder to hold the needle steady and push it in and I often has to switch hands. This time around when I was switching hand I felt the needle move a little inside of me and it made it hurt more. I cried for a little bit afterward, not necessarily for the pain, but more the frustration that if I could get pregnant the normal way then I wouldn’t have to be giving myself these shots. I also don’t sleep as well with the suppository since it makes me feel like I have to go to the bathroom more and wakes me us during the night. A lot of it for me is mental and getting over the frustration and the dream of what it should be to what my reality actually is.
March 8- Today I found out that this round didn’t work. I can always tell right away by the way the nurse tells me. You can just hear the bad news coming in her tone of voice. It is always the same, “unfortunately it’s not good news.” I don’t know how long that phrase and the multiple phone calls where it has been the same will replay in my mind over and over again. I got the phone call earlier in the morning while we were eating breakfast. Margaret knew by the tears that it wasn’t good news and gave me a big hug. Those moments I’m grateful for loved one though I really just want to hide and not come out and not have to call Nate and not have to call my parents with yet more bad news. I want this trial to be taken away so badly. This time around I really questioned whether my Heavenly Father loves me. It hurts so much and I just want to feel of His love through this and not feel so alone. Anna came over the next day with some beautiful tulip starts and just talked with me and let me know that she loves me and she said it okay to grieve and be sad. I want to be brave for my girls and I feel bad for Nate. I often go through a major guilt trip after a failed round of not being able to give him more children. I also got a really nice from Christy Smith and after a week of lots of thoughts and prayers I feel that God was showing his love through people in my life. The love God shows us is often through other people and I just have to hang onto that for right now.
April/May- This past cycle was kind of a blur. I decided to just go with it right after that last failed one once my cycle started. The idea was my body was already full of hormones and medications and in my mind maybe that would help this next round be successful. I had to go on birth control for about 2 weeks for timing of everything and to help suppress everything from the last round. I haven’t been on birth control for quite awhile and usually it is short amount of time since it has been for fertility treatments. This time around I felt the depression that came along with it immediately. I could feel the weight of everything and I felt down all the time. I felt like there was a cloud hanging over me. I can’t imagine having depression and it gave me the slight glimpse into the lives of so many that do have depression. I knew that the birth control was causing it and I had a timeline of when I would be done and knew that feeling would go away once I stopped taking birth control. It gave me a little bit of empathy for those that struggle daily with it and I’m very grateful that I knew the cause of mine immediately and I knew I just had to get through it. I could tell a difference immediately once I stopped taking the birth control and I was ready for the next round. It was the normal routine though this time I was on Estrace a little bit longer to see if that would help. Then I started the progesterone shots and suppositories. I don’t have to watch the videos anymore at the start to make sure I’m doing my shot right. I have done it way too many times this year even though it is still hard and every time I give myself a shot I think to myself “if I could get pregnant the normal way then I wouldn’t have to being giving myself a shot.” I hate that I have to give myself shots in order to get pregnant. I hate that I feel that my body has failed me and that it doesn’t do what it supposed to do and what is exciting and fun for most couples. Infertility take joy out of the process and it sucks. I feel bad for all the wasted money but then also I want to do everything I possibly can to have more kids. My two girls are pretty incredible and I’m so grateful for them but because I love being a mom so much to them it makes me want to have more and more. April 23rd was transfer day. I was excited and full of hope that maybe this little one would stick. The doctor that I had this time wouldn’t let me video even though Nate still couldn’t be in the room. I could take pictures. It was a little weird and threw me off a little. I just felt that she should have been a little bit more understanding with the fact that people can’t have their partner in the room during this time. It was incredible to see the little embryo on the screen and we could even see it moving. It just shows that life starts at conception and that little baby is growing and changing each day. I have had hopes and dreams for every one of these little babies that have been put inside of me. I love them already which I know sounds odd but it is true. I had to empty my bladder a little bit before the procedure since it was too full. Then once the procedure happened it was going smoothly but then once the tube got further into my uterus there was some shadowing and it was hard to see exactly where the top of the tube was. She said this is most likely since I had C-sections so the position of everything is a little different. She took her time and was very careful until she could see things a little bit better. I felt good about it and took the next few days to really rest. The 10 days were pretty normal. We are moving during this process which probably isn’t the best timing but I took it easy and didn’t push my body. There was a couple of days where I had a stomachache but other than that I felt normal though I still questioned every little thing my body was doing. We moved on May 1st and I really didn’t do much. This was one of the days where my stomach hurt and my lower back hurt pretty bad. The next day was my blood draw and I did it later in the morning so that we could still attend church. I wasn’t sure if I would get the result that day with it being later but that afternoon I got the news and again I could immediately tell the mood and the tone was not good news and the oh so familiar phrase of, “unfortunately it’s not good news.” I immediately cried and fell into Nate’s hug that is so comforting to me. He really has been a rock through this. I feel I’m always the one showing so much emotion through this and he probably hides how he really feels from me but I know that he loves me no matter what and I know he has doubts about it just like I do and doubts of whether God cares about us but we are strong together and help each other keep going. The next week was ROUGH. With moving and living in chaos and the emotions of a failed cycle were hard on me. I cried more that week than I have in a long time. I often felt like I was being irrational and couldn’t get a hold of my emotions which is hard for me. I like to feel like I am in control and this process has taken that and thrown it out the window. I still have doubts whether God hears this prayer that we have so desperately wanted but I have felt His love. I have felt it most through my parents and their love for me and wanting to take this hurt away and this trial away but know that they can’t. It’s hard and I want another baby so badly. I often feel a battle going in my brain of trying to accept just having two kids and moving on and being happy with what I have and wanting more kids and to keep trying. It’s hard to let go of the dream that I have had since I was a little girl of having a big family. I feel like with time I am getting a little closer to accepting reality but it still hurts and I feel like there is still one more but that could also me just hoping that there is one more. I talked to Dr. Barker for a follow-up visit and it is hard on her that she can’t tell me what is going wrong and why all these rounds haven’t worked. We decided that I should get an OH done so they can see if with the time that has passed if there are any polyps on my uterus. I have also decided to take the summer off which I think will be good for me mostly mentally. Dr. Barker agreed with me and she was very kind and helpful and said that the dream that I have is an amazing one and right now I feel like there is still a piece of my heart missing. I either have to fill that hole with something else and be happy with what I have or keep trying until I have filled that hole. It will be good to take the summer off and not think about it (though I always think about it to some extent, almost every day) and not worry about timing or money for a couple of months and enjoy our trip to Idaho and time with family and go on lots of adventures and find joy with the family that I do have. I read this on Instagram and it really hit home after this last failed cycle: “Some days she just wished she was ‘normal’ and didn’t have to fight so darn hard for the same things everyone else gets. Where setting goals and making plans felt exciting. Where luck was on her side and catching breaks was the norm. Where timelines moved at the same speed as everyone around her. Where she could choose the best, not the safest. Where hearing the words congratulations was more common than I’m sorry. Some days she just wished she could fast forward to when it all works out.” (I would NEVER move again while doing a transfer and finding out bad news. It made it 100 times worse!!!)
September 13- Today I got a blood draw to check some numbers and it was all good so I started the new medication called Lupron. This is a small injection that goes into your stomach and it supposed to help prepare your uterine lining. I will do this shot every night until I start the progesterone.
September 23- My period finally started and I had my suppression check ultrasound the same day. I had this appointment in the morning and got the phone call early in the afternoon that everything looks good and I started the Estrace (estrogen) which is a tiny pill that I will be taking 3 times a day and I get to reduce the amount of Lupron to half for this time until the next step. I know some of it is being on my period but I was super emotional today. I have cried more this round than I have in past ones. I feel the pressure a little with it being my last round and the last 2 embryos. I want it to work so badly and I want to have hope but I’m filled with doubt since I have only had bad news for quite a while. When I was waiting to get Paige from school, Baylor happened to fall asleep in her car seat and it was pouring rain, I just sobbed during that time. There was lots of prayer and just tears trying to have hope that this could be the round but just so much fear and doubt with all the trauma of past failed cycles.
Oct 5 & 6- I had an ultrasound and blood draw on the 5th and was told that night would be my last Lupron injection in the stomach and the next day (the 6th) would be the start of progesterone. One is Endomentrium which is a vaginal insert that you do morning and night which makes me feel like I have to pee all the time and makes it feel like you peed your pants. Then the Progesterone in Oil is an injection that I do in my bum every night. Since it is in oil it is very hard to push in. When you stick this long needle in you, ideally you want the medication to go in quickly but with this I feel like I have the needle in me forever and have to push with all my might with my thumb trying to get all the medication in me. It was a night filled with more tears. Every step of the way this round there has been tears. It has been a very emotional roller coaster for me. (My friend Judy from high school came to visit and I was grateful that doctor appointments worked around when she would be with me. I told her some but it is always hard for me to share when I am going through the journey because I feel the more people I tell, the more people I have to tell when it doesn't work which is so hard.)
October 11- Today is transfer day! Nona and Pops are out of town and Anna has an appointment so I was a little worried about what to do with Baylor but then Nate and I talked about it and since he can’t even be in the room with me then we can take Baylor with us and she can hang out with Nate while I go in. It is hard doing it on your own. It is very quiet and I feel like it makes me get into my head even more when I’m left alone with my own thoughts. I was doing pretty well until the doctor came in and asked how I was doing and then the tears started to flow. I was super nervous and wanting things to go well but the last 4 rounds have all been negative so it is hard to even think that a positive result was going to happen. The doctor was the same one that did my previous round and was very kind and helpful. She was glad that I doing 2 embryos to hopefully increase my chances and she said that sometimes it is the last round that works. I know that they probably say this to lots of people to keep them hopeful but kind words are always helpful. It is always amazing to see the 2 little embryos on the screen. You feel love for them immediately. Everything went smoothly. After it was done I rested for a little bit before going to the bathroom to relieve my very full bladder. On the way home it was so sweet seeing Baylor just study the picture of the 2 little embryos. We are excited but I’m still very scared. I will take it easy for the next 2 days and hope for the best.
October 20- Today was the big day. I was so scared and
really in my mind just prepared myself for the negative results and was
expecting that. I got my blood draw in the morning and I had lots of things
going on that day. Paige had parent teacher conferences and I just wanted to be
able to act normal without crying so I decided that I would ignore my phone
until I had gotten through everything I needed to for the day. In the past I
have gotten the news and then would call Nate but because I waited and ignored
my phone, I didn’t know when Nate had gotten home from work so we got to find
out together. For some reason I couldn’t get my voicemail to work and I knew
there would be a message on the portal from my nurse with the news. We read the
email together. It read, “Congratulations on the positive pregnancy test! Your HCG
result came back at 241.6. This is an AMAZING first level, and we would like to
repeat it in 2 days to make sure the levels are rising appropriately.” As soon
as I read that first line I burst into tears. I was so overcome with happiness
and shock. I couldn’t believe that it was positive. It was one of the sweetest
moments that I will never forget as I’m bawling and Nate is hugging me. He said
that I was going to make him cry and we could just both feel so much love from
our Heavenly Father. It was a sacred moment for the two of us that I will
cherish. Once I composed myself, I showed Paige the email and it was so sweet
to see her big smile. It really is a complete miracle! (It was Anna's birthday and she brought over a birthday dessert and I felt like I should tell her since she knew I was getting results but I think I was still in shock about actually getting good news.)
Next post will be all about the pregnancy- We can't wait until June to meet this little one! It truly is a miracle and I can't believe after two years of failed cycles that we are finally having another miracle.
