Time Will Heal Me....Eventually

Time heals all wounds. It’s just that some wounds sting deeper and take longer to heal from. In February, a perfect little embryo was put inside of me. Our previous round was successful so I had so much hope and dreams for the remaining 3 frozen embryos.

I would be a little over a month away from holding that precious baby but just the day after that perfect little embryo was put inside of me, I knew something was wrong. The 10-day wait was hard, filled with cramps and spotting and trying to find the glimmer of hope that maybe in the wildest possibilities that all of this was good and that it had worked. I knew it my mind that it hadn’t worked but my heart didn’t want to give up. Even though I knew it most likely didn’t work, it was still hard to hear the sad tone in the nurse’s voice as she said, “unfortunately it isn’t good news.” I was a wreck emotionally but with time I looked to the future and our remaining 2 embryos. 

I felt sure that this last round would be our miracle round. I felt that this would be the time that we would get our twins and I could be done with IVF forever and be at peace with how everything turned out. Our last 2 perfect little embryos were put inside of me on September 4th. They were perfect and I already had such dreams and even worries of what it would be like to be a mother of twins.

 The 10-day wait was so much smoother than the time before. No spotting or cramping. I felt good and I felt that we finally would have this miracle. Then the day before the blood draw I had some major stomach pain and had that familiar feeling that my period was coming. I didn’t have any spotting and was taking lots of medications and hormones so the way I was feeling could be anything and so I was still filled with such hope that this round was successful. I had the blood draw on a Sunday and I was so nervous. My stomach was in knots but I was so hopeful. The nurse called later that afternoon and the news wasn’t the worst or the best. They like to see the HCG level to be above 50 and mine was at 33.5. They told me to be cautiously optimistic. Oh how I hate that phrase! They told me that exact thing after my first round that didn’t work and it brought back all those memories, feelings, and fears. I rationalized in my head that this blood draw was a on day 9 instead of day 10 so maybe it just needed a little more time and that is why it was lower and maybe the embryos took a little bit longer to implant. Pretty much anything that would help me still feel hope and that we hadn’t wasted thousands of dollars on a hope. I was still hopeful but more fearful when I had another blood draw on Tuesday to see what my levels were and unfortunately, they went down which means I had a biochemical pregnancy. This is what happened my first round where the embryos implanted at some point but didn’t stick. It’s not far enough along to be considered a miscarriage so they call it a biochemical pregnancy.

 I was told to stop taking the medications and that night was hard. When you are taking all the medications it makes you feel like you are helping your body keep this little baby growing inside of you and when you stop it is just another reminder that my body failed me yet again. I cried and cried before I went to bed that night. Why do I have to go through this? Why can’t my body be “normal”? We’ve pled and prayed for this for so long. Why can’t we get a yes for once and have this miracle happen in our lives? As the days have gone by, I have a little breakdown almost every day and I have to say out loud to myself, “Bethany, you can do this! You are strong!” But in my head and heart, I don’t feel strong or brave and I don’t want to have to be strong anymore. I just want to be normal and be able to get pregnant the normal way without spending thousand upon thousands of dollars, without the shots and the hormones, without the monitoring, and without the stress and the pain. I want to grow my family like I always dreamed. 

At the beginning of this whole IVF process and when we found out that we had 7 viable embryos, I had the thoughts and fears of not knowing what to do with the extra frozen embryos because in my mind all rounds and all embryos would work. Now we are here and only 1 out of 7 worked. Would I do it all again for that 1? Yes! But I don’t know if I can. I am extremely grateful for that 1 little embryo that worked and for that busy little girl that has blessed my life beyond measure. But I still think of those 6 other embryos that could have been and that I yearn to be a mother to. After previous failed rounds, I’ve always had hope for future rounds but after this failed round it has been the 1st time that I have really doubted if I can take it anymore. Why can’t I just be content with my 2 beautiful girls and not have the desire to have more children? I don’t know if I can go through all of this again but then I think of the chance of having more children and it’s what drives me to not give up. Right now it is hard, really hard. 

I read this post on Instagram and it is how I feel-

“When will it be my turn is a question that is almost always on my mind.

It becomes hard not to compare to others often with jealousy, but usually with complete sadness that this couldn’t be easier.

It’s hard not to have questions of worthiness and faith.

It becomes easy to blame yourself and feel broken.

This chapter you are living feels impossible. Quite possibly the hardest chapter you have ever lived.

This chapter I wish was different for you. But one way or another, you’ll make it to your next chapter and overcome this.

One day you will leave behind the sadness, tears, and questions and instead meet the pure joy your heart aches for today.

One day it will be your time.

You are strong, capable, and worthy. Don’t ever let this season of wanting make you question that.”

Time will heal this wound but that’s what it will take is time. Time to grieve. Time for sadness over the loss of 6 possibilities. Time to heal. Time with two beautiful girls that give me pure joy and that make this process just a little bit easier.